hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize