i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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