checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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