I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
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