I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
