My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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