literally had 100 drinks last night.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize