Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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