ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
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