3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
