soooo we both peed the bed last night...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize