By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
