You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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