ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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