i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
