woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
me + whiskey = a bad person
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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