Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
