Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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