I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
