I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
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