Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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