Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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