I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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