she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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