I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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