Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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