He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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