If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Randomize
