all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
