Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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