I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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