She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
