if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
