I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize