You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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