New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
