Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize