I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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