Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
