apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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