Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
