you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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