i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
