My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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