well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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