my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
