Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
