The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
