I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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