I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
When are your genitals available?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
