my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
