last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
