I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
