I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
