My friends, they love my intelligence
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
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