i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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