I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
