I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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