Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
