nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
