If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
