Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
